A Day in the Life of…
A Day in the Life of a Scottish Gardener
A day in the life of a Ross-shire Gardener. 6.30 in the morning. A ‘woolly hat’ sort of day. Brittle ice, a crispy coldness.
I put the cackling ducks out (they spend the night in the security of the kitchen on account of the sly fox that killed the unsuspecting hens and would almost certainly kill the cackling ducks given half a chance), fed the bleating goats, discussed the weather with the bristling cat as I guided her into the garden with the broom that’s technically known as a ‘guide stick’ when used in ‘cat-guiding’ situations, checked the fat goldfish was still alive (old fish, that one, still alive) and finally, fatally, tied my boot laces just as the energetic dog beside me shook his head in a most vigorous manner resulting in a sequence of rapid slaps across my face with his ears Most painful, and not really what you want first thing in the morning, is it?
I de-iced the car and set off for work. I was accompanied by a flask of coffee, smarting cheeks from oscillating dog ears and a mobile phone in my pocket just in case someone should call requiring urgent assistance with an unforeseen shrubbery incident.
I had not gone far when I stopped to allow three stern geese to cross the road, uphold the country code, at which point they attacked the front of the car, vicious blighters, in stark contrast to the escaped cow further down the road who gave me nothing more than a casual glance as I overtook her at a snail’s pace.
Geese, of course, were employed to guard whisky distilleries in the past and provided an effective alarm system with integral deterrent (pecking) should anyone try to make off with a barrel or two, although in recent times they have fallen out of favour due to their lack of understanding when it comes to the notion of intent: intent to steal whisky – deserving of a good peck; non intent to steal whisky – still deserving of a good peck. Not pleasant, and on a par perhaps with oscillating dog ears in the face. Give me a casual cow anyday.
The day had started badly and so it could only get better. It did. A pleasant pruning, chopping, coffee drinking and blethering sort of day ensued. I was half way up an apple tree in the afternoon when I took an urgent phone call from a household member requesting jaffa cakes and ‘something tasty for supper’. A request for ‘something tasty for supper’ is not unusual, you know, and often results in whatever I can lay my hands on in a hurry. A cheese and onion quiche perhaps, or some strange fish bake concoction containing cheese and Pollack (what is Pollack anyway?) Jaffa cakes are easy, of course, very specific and to the point. And do you know, whilst on this jaffa cake theme, that jaffa cakes have replaced traditional half-time oranges at football matches. Or is that a myth? I must ask someone at Ross County.
Anyway, shopping complete, I returned home just as dusk was falling. The bristling cat sat on the doorstep with the cackling ducks that transport themselves from pond to kitchen these days so all that’s required is for someone to open the door and let them in. No more duck carrying scenarios for me, they do it themselves!
So there you are, a day in the life of a Ross-shire gardener. It’s now late evening. I sit at the kitchen table writing this piece, the house is relaxed and peaceful, the only sounds to be heard, the cackle of contented ducks, the snore of a satisfied (and big eared) dog and the light tapping of a ‘grammatically challenged’ rural rambling man on the laptop computer. May your weekend be a good one.
(First Published in the Ross-shire Journal 13/2/09)
